Sirius' Letter
by MusicLover19
Summary: What if Sirius had written a letter to Remus? What would be have wrote in it? The letter was written while Sirius was on the run, after he had escaped Azkaban and before Peter escaped. Sirius wrote to Remus hoping that he could convince his friend of the truth. One-shot containing the letter.


_**Sirius' Letter**_

Remus…

I need to tell you something. You won't believe me, you believe I did it but I really didn't. You know how much I hate them Moony, you know more than James did. You were the one I could go to when I couldn't avoid the flashbacks. Why would I lie about that? Why would I go back to something like that when I hated it? I would never work for Voldemort Moony, I don't even have the mark.

Remus, if I wanted them dead wouldn't I have killed Harry when I found him? I was the one that got him out of the house, Hagrid took him from me. Harry means the world to me Remus, he needs to stay safe.

On the night Lily and James died I went to Peter's house. When they were doing the Fidelius Charm I convinced them not to make me their secret keeper. It was too obvious that it would be me, we knew there was a spy in the order and I knew that they would target me when Lily and James went into hiding. I decided it was best to make the secret keeper someone no one would expect and someone who we could trust with our lives. I hate to say that I did suspect you as the spy. I thought that you may have fallen for Voldemort's promises towards werewolves. It was a mistake that I will carry for the rest of my life.

Have you guessed who I chose yet?

On that Halloween I went to Peter's house but it was empty, there was no signs of a struggle and I was scared. He knew I was coming to meet him and there was no sign of him. I went as fast as I could to Lily's and James'… Remus their house was half destroyed. I could hear Harry screaming, everything had collapsed around him, the Dark Mark was missing though. I hoped that my gut feeling was wrong… as I entered the house I knew that my gut was right. I saw James' body. I wanted to stop there, I wanted to shake him and kill him for scaring me. Only Harry's cries stopped me. I knew, I knew that James would not let Harry cry like that. You remember how he treated his son, as I moved further into the house I questioned why Harry was still screaming, surely Lily would have reached him now, even though grief she would comfort her son.

I saw her next Remus. She had fallen next to the crib, I couldn't think. I didn't want to go near her body. It wasn't until Harry screamed again, I think he calmed slightly at the sight of me, I moved slowly towards him, I avoided Lily's body. I knew if I saw either of them I would break, Harry needed me. As I picked him out of the rubble I realised how much I was shaking.

Hagrid arrived then. I begged for him to let me take Harry. I could hide him and keep him safe. In reality I was being selfish, I wanted the last part of James and Lily with me to keep me sane. Hagrid tried to calm me down, by this time I was sat on the street holding Harry as if he was my last lifeline. Remus, I let Hagrid take Harry too easily. I knew Albus would fight my choice to keep him so I let Hagrid take him. Harry began screaming as soon as I passed him to Hagrid, it tore through me. In one last hope to help I gave Hagrid my bike. Do you remember the nights that Harry was really restless and would only sleep if I drove him around for a bit? I knew it was the only way to calm Harry so I let Hagrid take him.

I then made the second biggest mistake of my life. As soon as Hagrid left I went back into the house. Lily and James would want to be together. It took everything for me to move Lily downstairs to him. I cried the whole time I moved her. I sat with their bodies for hours, I just couldn't believe it. My brother, Lily… they were dead. It was my fault. All because I made them change the secret keeper to Peter. Then I realised that Peter betrayed us… betrayed them. I couldn't let him live. With one last look at Lily and James I left to find him. It didn't take long, by the end of the day I had found him. My anger blinded me and I was stupid. I wanted to kill him for what he did. I cornered him, I could feel every ounce of my body beg for me to kill him. I couldn't. all I could think of is the fact that James was dead, that James wouldn't have killed him, James would take him to Azkaban… but then I wouldn't know for sure… Peter was the reason James was dead. How could I know what James would have done?

Peter shouted about how I betrayed James and Lily. If I didn't hesitate to kill him then he wouldn't have done it. If I was stronger then he would be dead now. Peter killed the thirteen muggles, I sat in shock that the boy we had grown up with, the one that was always the last to master spells, that he had done something like that. Then I laughed at the thought he had already killed two people that he once swore to protect. It wasn't a humour-filled laugh, it was the laugh that showed my bitterness, the despair, the laugh that shows I've lost everything. Peter then cut off his finger and transformed.

I laughed harder as I realised that Peter had beaten me. It wasn't even a minute before the Aurors appeared. I knew that they wouldn't believe me. My friends were dead, the friends everyone thought I was secret keeper to and Peter was dead. The evidence was against me. They took me away. I went straight to Azkaban, I was never given a trail, even Albus spoke against me. If I had the trail I was entitled to then I would have taken Veritaserum and the answers would be the exact same as what I write.

I spent twelve years there Remus. At first I stayed because it was my punishment, I knew that my actions lead to their deaths. James and Lily were dead and it was my fault, if I had stayed their secret keeper then maybe they would still be alive, maybe Harry would live with them. I didn't even know where he was or if he was safe. I didn't know where you were. I wondered how you were coping, you heard the news that two friends had died because of me. After a few years it occurred to me that you believed it all. You never once visited. At first I thought you couldn't bear to see me, not after what they all said. I hoped you were trying to prove I was innocent. After a while I realised… you were away, it was a full moon. You left and everything was perfect and you came back to this… in the end I stopped trying to convince myself that you didn't believe it, I accepted that you hated me, I knew that you never visited out of anger and fear of what you would do. I hate that I took all of us away from you Remus.

Earlier this year, the Minister came to me, I do not recall why but I asked for the paper, I had missed doing the crosswords after you and Lily read it, James and I would normally fight for the paper, in the end both of you ended up ordering them just so we wouldn't fight. The paper showed a family, as I read I wasn't sure who they were but they were familiar, I had lost a lot of memories because of the Dementors, being away from them has helped me recover them a lot. I remember Harry more, I remember you. The dementors made me remember Lily and James, only I remembered them as I had last seen them.

The family in the paper had a rat. It took me hours to tear my gaze away from it. I knew that rat. After years of seeing it at least once a month I couldn't not spot him, even in the picture I was positive that it was him. The anger began to build in me once more. As I read the article it told me that they boy was going back to Hogwarts. I knew… I had to get out. Harry was at Hogwarts and if that boy and his rat was going back… Peter was in the best position.

In the beginning I knew I was innocent, that is what stopped me losing everything. After I saw Peter… I became obsessed with him. The dementors couldn't affect that thought, it wasn't happy. I needed to protect Harry. If Voldemort was to return then Harry was in danger because Peter was in Hogwarts.

Remus, I lost everything because of Peter. I let Harry go to keep him safe. No one but me knew that Peter was still alive, it would be too late when they realise it.

Remus, I don't expect you to believe me but I needed to know that I had told you the truth.

My plan was to capture Peter and kill him, now it is to capture him and do something to turn him in, even if it is going to Albus, I just hope that he would hear me out before he tried to kill me.

I've thought a lot about the night I tried to kill Peter… if he didn't shout would I have killed him? I am still not sure.

I am not going to sign this, I think it is clear who wrote it.

Moony, I have missed you. I hope that you have been able to do some good in the world like you always wanted to. I hope you have been able to reach out to Harry. I regret everything I have done.

There isn't anything else I can think to say… I won't say goodbye, for my own selfish reasons. I would like to think that after this letter you will believe me and you will try to find me.

Mischief almost managed.

_**AN: This letter is used in one of my fanfiction's but I think it fits perfectly into how Sirius would try to explain it.**_

_**It was torture for me to write and I cried more times than I can count. However it is a bit of writing I am proud to say I wrote.**_

_**Please review and tell me what you think.**_


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